If the water shortage continues, no one will think Californians are sexy.

• Tina Nguyen

The Californian drought threatens to eliminate things yuppies take for granted: almonds, green lawns, ski resorts, and so on. But a new report should be enough to scare the state’s residents into water conservation: if there’s no water, the beautiful people of California won’t be able to take showers, and will no longer be beautiful, but gross forever. (Clearly, this is the most devastating result of the drought.)
A new report from Bloomberg Intelligence indicates that the dire water shortage, which threw California into a state of emergency, will result in consumers buying fewer personal hygiene products such as soap and liquid shampoos. The report’s authors pointed to similar consumer choices in Brazil, whose residents now shower 15 percent less than before due to water shortages.
Certain communities are already feeling the hygienic effects of mandatory water restrictions: some have adopted five-minute shower policies, while others have resorted to using free public showers. Residents who ignore the water restrictions will be subject to fines, a policy that has some wealthy Californians with nice lawns up in arms.
Things are looking up for the hair-care industry, however: sales of dry shampoo, already on the rise, are expected to explode as people suddenly discover that there’s a product to keep hair clean and grease-free without having to wash it with water. (It also boosts volume and, unlike traditional shampoos, doesn’t strip the hair of natural oils. Basically, it’s a phenomenal beauty trick. Thanks, drought!)
The news should be enough to prompt East Coast residents, thinking of moving to California to escape the now-brutal winters, to face a tough decision: Should they suffer the cold, or risk toiling around in desert heat without the promise of a long, refreshing shower? (Cold wins. Cold is better than disgusting.)